Mock "Star Wars Opening Crawl" Style Introduction to Mordor Expansion- Just for Fun!

[Phantion]

Since plenty enough have writ parodies about the end-game grinding and bugs and other issues, and etc. etc. etc. yada, yada, yada, all of which are troubles that I wholeheartedly -agree- must be fixed, I thought I'd write-up a more positive jest, just for fun- as mirth and merriment abound throughout the lore. The following below is an imagined "Opening Crawl" written in the style of the beginning of the "Star Wars" movies- themed by the Epics and the Mordor Expansion.

So- SPOILERS!!!







LOTRO VOLUME 1: SHADOWS OF ANGMAR


Trouble stirs in the north. Swift, icy winds
Bellow across the BAY OF FOROCHEL. Shadowy
BLACK RIDERS, hooded and cloaked, charge
Through the beloved land of the HOBBITS:
THE SHIRE. The DEAD stir in the Barrows.

IVAR THE BLOODHAND, a Gaunt Lord from
Ancient days, has revived the Dourhand King,
SKORGRIM DOURHAND.

In the dark lands of ANGMAR, THE FALSE KING,
MORDIRITH, reigns in the absence of THE WITCH
KING. The chains of THAURLACH, a Balrog of
MORGOTH, stir in the RIFT of NURZ GHASHU.
Some fear that AMARTHIEL, ancient Champion
Of ANGMAR, has returned anew...

Rumors whisper through the town of BREE
That the mysterious rangers, THE DUNEDAIN,
Are abroad in the northern downs. HALBARAD,
Captain of the Dunedain, protects the southern
Lands... many of whom have forgotten...
The lost line of ARNOR...

In the gathering dark, adventurers from all
Lands converge on ERIADOR, the realms west
Of THE MISTY MOUNTAINS. They hail from realms
Near and afar, to march to the north,
To confront the shadows of ANGMAR..








LOTRO VOLUME 2: THE MINES OF MORIA


With the False King, MORDIRITH, defeated
In BARAD GULARAN, and the heroic sacrifice
Of the Elf maiden, NARMELLETH, the threat
To the north is defeated...

At the COUNCIL OF ELROND, a hobbit named
FRODO BAGGINS who came, by chance, to
Possess the ONE RING OF POWER, chose
To bear the RING to throw it in the fires of
ORODRUIN in the land of MORDOR... to seek
A lasting defeat against THE DARK LORD
SAURON...

A FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING was formed
And sent by long roads south through the
Ruined, High Elvish lands of HOLLIN...
After suffering a defeat from fell forces
On the mountain of CARADHRAS,
They have vanished into the ancient
mines of MORIA: once known as
KHAZAD-DUM...

Dark whispers travel from Elvish lips
Speaking of DURIN'S BANE, the mysterious
SHADOW that ended the DWARVEN KINGDOM...
In the far northeast in the Dwarven Realm of
EREBOR, King DAIN IRONFOOT, has commissioned
The IRON GARRISON, led by LORD BOSI and
LORD BROGUR, to enter MORIA and discover
The fate of BALIN SON OF FUNDIN, their lost
Kinsman...

Adventurers who aided in the fall of
ANGMAR journey to join the Dwarven Effort,
To follow in the footsteps of the FELLOWSHIP,
And brave the deepening darkness
Beneath the mountains...







LOTRO VOLUME 3: THE RISE OF ISENGARD



In the wake of the defeat of GOROTHUL
And the LIEUTENANT OF DOL GULDOR,
One of the NINE, the FELLOWSHIP
Has escaped certain peril. The IRON
GARRISON continues its efforts in the depths...

LORD ELROND HALFELVEN has called
Adventurers to return to RIVENDELL
And then journey to find the DUNEDAIN
Throughout the lands of ERIADOR...

Captain HALBARAD, with his Lieutenants,
DAERVUNN, CALENGLAD, and GOLODIR,
And their Loremaster CANDAITH, gather
The DUNEDAIN into a unified force:
THE GREY COMPANY...

But the road through the southern lands
Winds through the tribes of DUNLAND,
Many of whom have sworn service to the
Traitorous Wizard, SARUMAN OF MANY-COLOURS...
The road of ARAGORN leads the FELLOWSHIP
Down the Great River, ANDUIN, toward PARTH GALEN
And the borders of GONDOR...

Between the GREY COMPANY and their Liege-Lord
Lie the gold-green plains of ROHAN...
Where THEODEN KING, advised by his counselor,
GRIMA WORMTONGUE, is blind to the threat of
SARUMAN...

Adventurers are called to join
THE GREY COMPANY on their long
Journey south... toward certain doom...





LOTRO VOLUME 4: THE STRENGTH OF SAURON


Several days have passed since the defeat
Of SARUMAN the Traitor at ISENGARD...
Lord Fangorn of the Ents, TREEBEARD,
Led the Forest to victory... and flooded
The vale of NAN CURUNIR...


The DEAD haunt the Black Stone of
ERECH in the vale of MORTHOND...
Black sails rise on the tides surrounding
The great western Gondorian port-city
Of DOL AMROTH... The SCOURGE, Lord
BALAKHOR OF UMBAR, leads his CORSAIRS
To achieve victory over PELARGIR and
The southern fiefdoms...

The earth quakes and terrible flames erupt
From ORODRUIN and IMLAD MORGUL...
In the hidden shadows of ITHILIEN,
The ONE RING approaches MORDOR...
Closer and closer... in the hands of
The RINGBEARER... led by the mischievous
Creature... GOLLUM...

Captain FARAMIR of MINAS TIRITH struggles
To hold the Great River at the fords of OSGILIATH
For his Lord-Steward, and father, DENETHOR...
The strength of THE DARK LORD SAURON
Grows, day by day, as the DAWNLESS DAY,
A concealment of the Sun and the Sky
By dark clouds, flows out of the land of
MORDOR...

Adventurers are called to journey
Across ROHAN to DUNHARROW,
Where dark rumors circulate concerning
THE GREY COMPANY and their entrance into
The nefarious PATHS OF THE DEAD, led by their
Lord, ARAGORN ELESSAR...







LOTRO VOLUME 5: THE BLACK BOOK OF MORDOR


Mere days have passed since FRODO BAGGINS
Grappled with the power of the ONE RING.
Evil seemed vanquished. The ONE RING
Fell into the fire with the creature GOLLUM.
Shadows are everywhere...

In the ensuing chaos, Haradrim and Easterlings,
Nurnhoth Slaves and Orcs, fight or flee... Orcs and Trolls
Fall mindlessly to their doom, or vanish into
Dark caves... Any who yet remain are enthralled
and bound in service to their dark masters...

As the darkness falls across the Black Land of
MORDOR, THE MOUTH OF SAURON, DULGABETH,
And his betrothed, LADY LHAERETH, plot to
Wrest control over the sundered land...

LORD UGRUKHOR of DURTHANG,
Bane of the Thandrim, THE PALE HERALD,
and LADY URUDANI STONEMAIDEN, compete
For power, heeding not the designs of a hidden
Master...

In the wake of the defeat of THE DARK LORD
SAURON, KING ELESSAR has sent trusted advisors
And explorers as his Ambassadors into
The ruined realms... "where the shadows lie"...